Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
