My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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