Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
