Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
