at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
