I can text with my tongue
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
