true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
