Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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