You can't motorboat a personality
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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