You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
