wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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