Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
