we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
