Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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