Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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