her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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