Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
