when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
