After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
