I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
