I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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