I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
