I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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