Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
