he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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