My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I will pee on everything he values.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
