Don't make out with my wife yet
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
