I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
