Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
