After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
