Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
