It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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