he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
