Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
