could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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