oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
