omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
