My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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