I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
