We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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