oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
