Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
