Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
