My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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