sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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