just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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