i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
