Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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