my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
