: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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