I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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