I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
