I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I lost the right to judge tonight
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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