did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
