i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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