Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
