whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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