clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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