Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
