nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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