At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
