So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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