I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
