She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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